The photo above has nothing to do with this week's topic. It's a photo my husband made of our dog using AI. I thought about what kind of image could accompany this post's title and realize that "explicit" has come to mean something very different from its original definition. Since my idea doesn't connect to pornography or vulgar language, I decided to memorialize my dog instead. He was a beauty, and I miss him.
Last year, I got to go on a school trip that traveled through Poland and Slovakia. (If this isn't your first day on CaritaGardiner.com, you already know that.) At one point, we were going somewhere in smaller vans than our usual big mini-bus, so we had to split into two groups. My group was being driven by a man who took out his phone and was reading something as he drove. I had a moment of thinking, "I'm sure he's checking something important and will put the phone away soon," but that thought passed, quickly replaced by, "What the heck! He needs to pay full attention to his driving. My life and the lives of the students in this car are at greater risk while he has divided attention."
While I felt uncomfortable asking this grown man to change his behavior, I did it anyway because some things are way more important than my temporary feeling of unease. At lots of points in my life, I ask myself how I would feel if my saying nothing led another person to continue the behavior that concerned or bothered me. If the answer is that it would eat away at me or cause me regret, I gather my courage and speak up.
People can't read our minds. Even when I've given people looks that attempt to express my dissatisfaction or concern, the eyes and frowns don't pack the same punch as clearly worded requests or complaints. If I say nothing, no matter how I contort my eyebrows, I'm sanctioning the behavior.
I remember the moment years ago when I came up with this speak-my-mind-to-prevent-regret philosophy. A woman was cutting her toe nails in the faculty locker room at our school. She didn't have any paper under her feet, so the nails were landing on the floor. It's totally possible that she was planning to find a broom and sweep the whole area when she finished her grooming, but I didn't want to leave that to chance. I said, "I hope you're going to clean up when you're finished." She said something like, "Of course," but I know she hadn't been planning to. Ick.
Other non-life-threatening examples of times I've spoken out include asking student to come back to clean a dining hall table they've left a mess, letting someone know if they've dropped something (I speak as if the litter wasn't intentional, even though sometimes it clearly was.), or reminding a teen to put away their phone in a no-devices area. It's easier, perhaps, for me to speak directly to a problem when I'm correcting student behavior. Since the kiddos live on our campus without their parents, one might argue that it is part of my job to help them grow into decent human beings. But even with my job-related and age-related power over students, I still feel the pull to avoid the conflict. In the short run, it's easier to let things slide, but I try not to let taking the easy path be my guide.
Other examples of ways I've had to force myself to speak when my inclination would be silence:
- This is going to take a long time, so let’s start early.
- I know you think you have the answer, but please humor me by trying this other way.
- I would prefer to do x.
Making these kinds of statements helps me prevent myself from later feelings of disappointment.
Obviously, the distracted driver posed a more urgent threat than the careless cutter or the rule-bending teens, but by practicing expressing my mind in slightly uncomfortable situations, I have gotten better at overcoming my hesitations faster when I'm faced with witnessing or hearing something I view as a bigger wrong. Saying something to the driver helps me practice speaking out against racist, homophobic, anti-trans, anti-Semitic, ableist, misogynist, or other other hate speech. By forcing myself to do the one, I know I can do the other.
Speaking out hasn't gotten easy for me, but by doing it more, I get better at knowing in advance that I can do hard things.
When are times you've spoken out or been spoken to? Please share your responses in the comments?