I took the photo above one morning last summer just before I started a Peloton yoga practice. Though it was a beautiful morning, you might be able to see that the pond in the distance had no water in it. All summer, I was continually disappointed about the temporary draining of the pond due to a dam failure. (Fortunately, when this post goes live, I am back in Maine and able to see our completely refilled pond.) My frustration over the dam situation never led to any kind of anger; I am usually a pretty calm person, maybe partly because of my frequent workouts.
On that morning in the summer, I was easily able to do the Peloton routine because we had, the day before, set up a Starlink system at the house. (Before that day, when we wanted WiFi, we traveled to the local public library, which is a fantastic place, but maybe an odd location to do yoga.) While the Starlink arrived at our house as an easy-to-install system, deciding where to place the device proved problematic. My husband and I talked amiably about the merits of various outdoor locations and about how to affix the receiver panel to the wall or roof.
Or at least that's what I thought was going on until my generally calm husband lost his temper, something he rarely does, because I wasn't listening to him. In talking about the interaction, after we'd both taken a moment to calm down, I realized that he wasn't angry about the last thing I'd said before he expressed his frustration but about something that had been going on for nearly ten minutes while I remained blissfully unaware and repeating exactly the behavior that was frustrating him. Because I didn't know that I was upsetting him, I didn't change what I was doing. By the time he said anything, he was already so angry that I was not able to hear him without getting mad myself.
To be clear, I'm not blaming my patient husband for being annoyed with me. I can be quite annoying. What I'm saying is that I didn't course correct because I didn't realize that I needed to. I know that we're often told as children, "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut," but I don't think that advice helps us in most situations. I've found that usually, it's more helpful in relationships to find a way to speak your mind before you're deeply upset.
When a person blindly repeats an affront, we might experience each sting anew, but the person doing the action has no reason to pivot, no cause for a course correction. If we say something before we're angry, we can prevent our own wounds and our relationship fissures before they happen.
You know that line, "Speak now or forever hold your peace"? That makes sense for a reason why people should not get married, but once they've married, I hope it's the other way around -- never hold back, unless you're truly at peace.
Have you ever spoken up and regretted it? Or held your thoughts to yourself and been glad you did? What reactions do you have to this post? Please share your ideas in the comments. Or, if you don't share, then please don't get mad about what you didn't say later...