205. Why Grateful Outshines Gifted

The photo above captures many aspects of my life for which I feel incredibly grateful:

• I'm married to a supportive, thoughtful, fun, loving, smart, handsome, strong, safe, boat-driving husband.
• I work at a school with amazing people who do great deeds such as organize and participate in the Hotchkiss Swimathon to raise money for the Northwest Connecticut Special Olympics Swim Team. (You can donate to Special Olympics Connecticut in several ways indicated at this site. It's never a bad time to support a good cause.)
• I live in a stunningly beautiful place with a clean lake and lots of green trees.
• I have the freedom to have days like this one.
• I have a body able to see this view, to listen to the joy these students and teachers squeal out, to sit on this boat, to provide an assist if I'm needed, and to feel the fresh air and sunshine coming in my direction.

We recently passed a holiday on which many Americans take stock of what they have to be grateful for. For me, the list is long. I would like to say that I always consider all I've been gifted rather than all I'm good at, but like every human, I'm a work in progress. I do know that the more I think about the two traits, I'd rather be grateful than gifted.

I'm going to back up a few years to tell you about a weird year of my childhood. When I was eight years old, I went to a local public school (that got razed the following year as an unsafe building) for my third-grade year. While there, they placed me into fifth-grade math, first-grade reading (ugh!), and a once-per-week pull-out program for "gifted and talented" students. Weekly, they would bus a group of us to a different local school and teach our "gifted" group. We each got to decide to take one of three classes: theater, music, or art. My being in that program probably had more to do with systemic injustice (not many middle-class white kids in the district) and a lousy school district that was trying to make a difference than it had to do with my abilities or creativity. I don't remember anything about the lessons themselves. I remember two things:

1. One day, in the cafeteria of the school I was visiting, I watched another student have a grand mal seizure.
2. I picked theater lessons for my gifted program, and even at the time, it seemed wonky that I could name my area of giftedness. I was certainly not a master thespian, and I think I picked based entirely on what my sister had selected. (Hi, V!)

Sure, I felt special getting to take a bus with a select group of children who were deemed exceptional, but nothing about the weekly sessions imbued me with a love of the stage or any talent for it. In fact, one might argue that being called "gifted" at something I knew nothing about more likely started me off on a road to imposter syndrome.

I now know that I am happier when I focus on what I feel fortunate to have as part of my life rather than what I feel good at doing. When I want to get better at doing anything, I feel lucky to be able to make time to practice. I feel happy to be able to choose to work at said skill. If I focus on my innate abilities, I feel instead the pressure to do well and the inability to concentrate on the joy of doing the activity. If I think about being gifted at something, I'm never going to feel good enough or able enough to make choices and changes. In my world view, grateful outshines gifted every time.

What happens when you focus on gratitude rather than giftedness? Please share any observations or reflections in the comments.