This week, and for the next four weeks, I'm going to write about the five lessons explained in the "How Talking to a Friend Helps" episode of one of my favorite podcasts, The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos.
The first topic she and her guest, fellow Yale professor Dr. Tamar Gendler, discuss is perfectionism. While I don't think of myself as a perfectionist, I do like to get things right, the first time, without failing or appearing to put in too much effort...oh, so okay, maybe a little bit perfectionist. Santos says that she sometimes shies away from trying new things if she's not going to be good at them, a trait I don't share, but I suppose the rest tracks. Enough about that.
The part of their discussion that hit near my heart was Gendler's eagerly cleaning-up her house before people come over. Even though I don't employ a house cleaner and rarely have (fine, make) time to clean my own home, I like to appear to have a spotless house when people enter our home. In my mind, showing off a clean abode gives the impression that I'm not running on fumes, that I can do my job, have fun, and still have daylight hours to spend mopping my floor. Of course, that's not true. Usually, by the time I fall into bed at night, I've done barely enough to make it through to the next day without losing my job/mind.
I can usually, but not always, quiet the voice in my mind that says, "Everyone will think you're a slob," long enough to get on with my life. What's funny is that when I go to other people's houses, I don't think about what their untidy houses say about their moral compasses (nothing) but about their filled lives (probably packed). The basic recommendation from the podcast is to listen not to a generic "everyone" or "people" but instead to focus on what a dear friend would say. And the trick, of course, is to use that kind companion's voice when I talk to myself. Rather than guess what the nameless, faceless, connectionless masses are thinking about me, I should wonder what my most generous-of-spirit ally would tell me.
In this way, I can stop beating myself up over imaginary people and give myself the grace I'd get from those who already love me and know I'm doing my best.
What does your strict, non-existent everyone berate you for doing or not doing or not doing well enough? And now, how can you change that voice to what I would tell you? Please share any responses in the comments.
Thank you for that. I always feel uncomfortable when the house isnt tidy, and someone stops in. Some people actually do keep a tidy, clean house. I don’t understand how they do it. There’s another issue, though; why does this judgement fall on women?? We both worked, we are now both retired. How did I get to be the designated cleaner?
Good point! I wonder if men feel the same embarrassment about untidy houses. And what about couples with two women or two men–is there a designated cleaner?